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RISING
YOUNG FILM STAR CUT DOWN BY MYSTERY SUV!
Tinsel Town mourned the tragic death this week of filmdom’s
favorite rising star: Sandy Snail.
Sandy, 2, was struck and fatally squashed by a gas guzzling SUV
while slowly crossing a crowded Beverly Hills street. He was
pronounced dead at the scene by emergency medical personnel.
"The poor snail didn’t have a chance," one shaken
eyewitness said. "When he saw the SUV bearing down on him at
about 5 mph he tried to crawl out of the way but he just wasn’t
fast enough. It was horrible."
Ironically, Sandy was to begin filming today on what Hollywood
insiders were calling his "vehicle to stardom," a heavily publicized Tulevision Film Studio documentary, "The
Sad Life of the Endangered Snail." The future of the project
may now be in doubt.
Police are holding a black Ford Explorer for questioning in the
incident. Meanwhile, animal rights activists are demanding a
nation-wide SUV recall until the safety concerns of snails are
addressed in their tire tread design.
WEBSITE
MOURNS LOSS OF "MEAL TICKET"
Tulevision.com, known in certain internet inner circles as a
struggling, minor entertainment website, has suffered an unfortunate
setback with the loss of its newest contract player.
"This screen personality was destined to be Tulevision's ticket out
of obscurity," admitted a Tulevision spokesperson who requested
anonymity.
Funeral arrangements are pending.
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